moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
