I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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