I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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