Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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