i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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