if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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