your parents love me but you hate me
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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