Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
