I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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