Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i used baking grease as lip gloss
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
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