new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
