i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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