you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
