We won't sleep together?
1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
