did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
