Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
