He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
