FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
