he shaved USA in his pubs
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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