That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
