Sponge bath it is.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
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