I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
