Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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