I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I am puke
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
