My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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