Umm I'm too high to move.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
