...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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