I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
