I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
