I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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