Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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