Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
