saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
