Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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