Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Congratulations! We have a period
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