I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
