Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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