I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
