she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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