you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
