Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
