how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Too much gin, very little bucket
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
