I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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