Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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