Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
