I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i used baking grease as lip gloss
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
