Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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