My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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