You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
