What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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